"Aaein Hum Apki Shadi Karwayen. Ek Laakh Lengay!"
Gone are the days when I could peacefully claim my love for Leonardio Di Caprio and enjoy my Nani's questions about who the guy was. History are the days when I could freely develop a one-sided crush on someone who resembled Skeet Ulrich and giggled on phone calls with my girlfriends about it. It is no cup of Chai being a single Desi (South Asian) woman at 29 years of age when you are expected to have tied the knot and are either expecting or planning a baby. The Desi social universe comprises of numerous unwanted entities committed to getting each kuwari kuri (single girl) married. I call them the Kunwari Kuri Marriage Bureau & Company. They come in all shapes, sizes, and ages and they have no concern whatsoever whether you have a marital deathwish yet or not!
The Titanic sank and so did Leo [Jack Dawson that is!]. He's trying hard to find himself an Oscar and the social universe is trying hard to find me a husband. One day we shall sit back and laugh - Leo and I. He'd still be Oscar-less and I'd still be single. We'd both be happy though.
Coming back to present day (that is after the sinking of Titanic), if you are in a similar bracket of life as me [the Desi Singles Club] you will find yourself becoming a constant victim to Kuwari Kuri Marriage Bureau. I enjoy a comparatively peaceful safe haven opposite to the chaos faced by my fellow lady friends of the Desi Singles Club because I do not have a big social footprint. The less "Social Aunties Sororities" and the "Eagerly Married Club" members you interact with, the more easier and happier your single life will be. I learned that from the following experiences:
THE BLABBERING PREGGO
She sat across from me at the table of a classic Indian restaurant, stuffing down Puris at my expense, and mocked:
"I don't know why people do not get married and reach 30. I'm 28, I'm married, I'll be 29 next year, and my biological clock is ticking. I am working on getting me pregnant !"O! And it was pretty intentional because I was only one nearing 28 at that table, she wouldn't meet my eyes while speaking, and she had done it before. She wanted a drum roll and a standing ovation for her prenatal updates. She went on to explain how the "biological clock ticks" and the horrors of a post-30's pregnancy. Conclusively, she told me I am in for a Saw movie sequel in my future life [if wedding bells do ring] in the labor room! Despite her honoring ye olde biological clock, she starred in a Saw movie sequel herself. She's often given her unwanted help in recommending the most outrageous men for marriage. Thank you very much, Abbie doesn't want any.
THE DOCTOR BRIDE BREED
Another wise advice came from someone who takes pride in being the "Doctor Bride" breed. She recommended me asking my parents to begin a premature "Man Hunt" for me. Desis roll that way - the arranged marriage way, where a suitor is to be hunted. She stressed on premature [me being 24 at the time] because according to her med books "eggs get wasted"! She hasn't managed to get hers rescued as yet by the way, 5 years have passed since her wise advice. Thanks you for your advice, Abbie doesn't want any.
THE OVERLY CONCERNED ONEAnother fine specimen from the "Married Breed" of women who had a question bigger than the mystery of the universe for me. On her way from one of the spas she goes to, showing off a pearls necklace, and mentioning her "hubby" ninety times in a conversation, she said:
"What are you? Like 37? When will you get married?"
I don't blame her genuine concern for me. She had been prying on my Facebook photographs for too long marveling at me looking so young despite being the same age as her. She lost her youthful charm in trying to play a very artificial, "I am all grown up and part of the married-and-mom club". So, there's this "I-will-bring-you-down-with-me" thing going on while she works on attending to her parts that she destroyed purposefully in trying to look "married". Then she offered me "unwanted help" and cackled over the option of having a matrimonial printed in the newspaper for me, or running around the social circles and asking each lady if they had an "available" son. Thanks but no thanks, Abbie doesn't want any.
Another form of unwanted help comes from the Desi Aunties Sorrority or from One Man Army Aunties who function on their own. Whether you like it or not, they will have the question ready. And they have the nerve to ask my mother ABOUT ME when I am sitting right there in flesh and bones. Excuse me! You cannot just throw photos of dudes around at every girl's mother and tell them they need to make a quick decision "warna larki ki umer nikal jaegi" [or the girl's age will fly away]. And let me tell you they do not serve our good interests because they throw the most weird, suspicious, and less educated options of men at us. It took me and mom a while to understand the psyche of these women.
They are mostly aged, senior citizens, whose kids are married and they have nothing better to do other than peaking into others' matters. So they socialize and gather a database of singles and play matchmakers. Many a times these ageing villains just lie about having a potential suitor [which doesn't exist by the way] and they expect my mom to come after them. My mom is the well-dressed, educated, dignitary type lady who becomes the silent highlight of any gathering, dressed in an elegant sari. And a couple of oldies have tried the Kuwari Kuri Marriage Bureau card just to get her attention. Thanks but no thanks, Abbie and mom do not need any.
PROFESSIONAL MATCHMAKERS [FRAUD/CRAP VERSIONS]
It is not abnormal to run into matchmakers who call themselves "professionals" and pile on your agony of meeting horrible human beings and wondering about the fate of the Desi world. It would take me ages to elaborate that long sentence. Briefly, they range anywhere from between demanding a fortune as insane as $1,000 [because you live in the USA] to just find you a match to recommending underage, uneducated, uncivilized suitors who want to pack themselves in my baggage just to come live in the USA. Our response to such women is to pretend they do not exist or hang up the phone in their face.
WORD OF ADVICE FOR SINGLE LADIES IN WAITING
Do not let yourself go cheap and don't put a ring on it unless you like it. Marriage shouldn't happen just because you are of the social age [eggs wasting, biological clock ticking], because your parents are feeling the social pressure, or any yaddi yaddi yadda!
Until then ... throw the javelins at them like I do. *PUTS COOL SHADES ON*
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