Sunday, February 2, 2014

❝I Don't Want You At My Table If ...❞

I am pretty tolerant of constructive criticism, and I always know what glitch there is in the food I serve. If the salt is less, I own my mistake and I let people know and give them a salt shaker. If something is burnt [which it never is, I watch the food like a hawk when it's cooking], I do not serve it. I am always dead sure [make that morbid] that it tastes good, or at least acceptable, when it is served on people's plates. So, if you start complaining about non-existent things, please leave. 
I have had such folks at my table. Everybody loves the pizza, but they feel the thin crust is totally pathetic and they refuse to eat second helpings. Everybody finds the salt okay, but this person feels like I put the entire salt mine of Khewra in there. Everybody loves it, but there are always those whose noses like twitching over thin air.

I cannot tolerate you if you have the Me-My-Myself disease and you cannot stop explaining [quite animatedly] how the dish I made could have been made better had I done what you do/did/or dream to do with the recipe. I love creative suggestions, I love to learn new recipes and techniques. But seriously Mr./Ms. Triple M [Me-My-Myself], I cannot find a revolutionary way to prepare a boiled egg to suit your tastes. Sometimes, the recipes I prepare are my own creations [successful experiments that is]. I have had people at my table who somehow have made/tasted the same thing when I know it doesn't exist - trust me, before I call a recipe my 'creation' I Google the idea. So Triple-M, if you have somehow made the Pepperazzi Chicken, you just lost your credibility points. It must have been similar, but it could not have been IT.

Oh! This kind actually coaxes me to perform an Avada Kedavra on their behinds. Google Avada Kedavra please, you must know the extent of my anger. There are folks who cannot say the words 'Good', 'Awesome', 'Delicious', or even a simple 'Mmm' - anything humanly understandable that tells me you liked it. I expect, at least a nod of the head when you dig into that spiced rice helping that I spent 2 hours making. I expect at least something when you gobble up the scrumptious trifle or halwa that I spent half the day making. Some have disco going on on their taste buds, and pandemonium bigger than the NYC New Year's ball drop in their guts, but they cannot bring themselves to compliment me. Instead, they compliment the ready-to-eat frozen food I serve them! *******.

I always give people napkins. Yet, there are some who leave the curry staining my place mats, the rice sticking to the coasters, and greasy fingerprints on the drinkware. I don't appreciate folks who like feeding the table while feeding themselves. Also, you are supposed to take the plate to the dish and then pour out the curry. Transporting the curry, 2 feet across the table to your plate is bound to cause a curry shower on my table. 

I am not making this up. I count my tableware because there have been instances where people have conveniently taken dessert spoons with them. Fools! I don't have gold and silverware. Okay, some is plated, but seriously - you cannot sell a spoon on eBay.

Why come to my place for lunch/dinner/hi-tea/whatever if you don't have the desire to eat? If you are a soup and salad person for lunch, please come for dinner, or have soup and salad at dinner that night when you eat at my place. I work my fingers to the bone when I cook and I don't want a swimsuit model attitude at my table. I like ladies who eat everything for just that one day they visit me!

Seriously! This Attention-Freaks type bugs the stew out of me. You have my attention, I swear, I am having you over for a meal. At least tell me how many are you so I know how much I should cook! O, and also, please avoid my table if you are the type who tells me the entire family is coming and then you call in an hour before dropping by to say that everybody has some urgent world issue to solve and only two of you will be coming. Unless I plan to have an after-party with all that food, I am going to be very angry.

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