Graphic: A Pink Dream by Juli-SnowWhite via Deviant Art
Apologies.
I am not the kind of positive, rainbows-and-sunshine-everyday thinker that pep talkers want me to be. I like keeping my personal dark cloud over my head! I am a woman with fears, insecurities, and gut feelings. They sum up to make the whole (mad!). I have taken notes from my personal experiences (ouch!), Godsend inspiration, and experiences of others around me (when they walk into walls I take notes!).
My gut feeling is my defense strategy. It is crafted after years of troubles. It is as if my psyche, my body, and my aura can all sense if something's the matter.
And, of course, when I word it all out the planet launches criticism at me. This world is a pushy place. There's always pressure to move on --- disregard past experiences, gut feelings, and fears and move on --- and this pressure pushes people (ladies in particular) to take a crazy step or disarm their defenses.
Fears, on the other hand, are not the same as gut feelings. They're the hovering dark clouds; the grey, empty mirrors, that cast an eerie shadow over the present. But I feel they are reminiscent of earlier mistakes, mishaps, and bitter happenings. And when they cloud my brain it is only for the better. In that fog I swim and find clarity. Again, the gurus of positive thinking would recommend stashing fears away. But, I cannot! They have delivered important lessons to me. And the fears that keep me from attempting the unknown, simply guide me to be more careful.
How much do you entertain your fears and gut feelings?
Why do you apologize for being the way you are?
ReplyDeleteAs for fears, I don't have very many. I really only have this big one that's been crippling me for years. I honestly don't know what I'll become once it happens. I do know that if I dig really deep down, I'd be able to get through it, just barely. It'd be a very arduous and ugly journey, but I think I would eventually be alright.
It was a sarcastic apology - more like something I'd say when I have had enough, Suma. I am a person of many minor fears. My greatest one is being accountable before God and being acquitted of my misdeeds. I seek a lot of repentance everyday. I hope and pray that you are able to overcome whatever fears you have.
DeleteAn interesting take on fear. You're right that we're surrounded people telling us to do away with our fears to live our fullest self. But we were given a sense of fear for a reason. It's up to use to wade through when it's founded or not. But it's kinda fortuitous that you wrote this post. Last weekend I attended a self defense class sponsored by a local masjid and the instructor echoed your sentiments. Women are taught to always be polite, no matter what. But she told us to listen to our gut. If something doesn't feel right, seeming polite should be the least of our concerns. Thanks for sharing your perspective on this!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad an actual self defense workshop works on this principle. I mean I know something's wrong when I know something's wrong.
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