Sunday, April 15, 2018

M - Marriage, Manhunt & Lessons Learned

There is this conspiracy about finding a Mr Abbie - a supposed-to-be life partner for me. The idea is as crazy as the feat of trying to transplant a human head onto a new body. They haven't been able to do that just yet. It will be a legendary day in history; the world shall remember it as 'The Day They Found Mr Abbie', when a male equivalent of me will be discovered! Until then ... the manhunt is on!
In my community (South Asians) a woman of 31 is a bird that's been flying solo for too long. And, every element of the sociosphere becomes 'dishonestly' interested in trying to make it hit an iceberg before the ship has sailed too far! 
The biggest lesson I have learned so far, as the manhunt continues, is to keep standing with courage as insane as Captain Jack Sparrow! There's a precise time when the absolute best of things comes around and this is Mr Abbie we are speaking of. Until then, some wise strategies need to be executed to survive!
I have to dodge the creepy matrimonial aunties that chase me as soon as they smell 'Single'. They carry resumes and profiles of eligible bachelors they think are as good as Johnny Depp! --- I find myself warding off the sadist demon who likes to ask if my mother is unwell because I am 'ageing and still single' (my mother has a herniated disc for God's sake, you imbecile!)! --- There are nut women from sinister sororities who like to cook stories about hopeless singles and their suicidal lives when I am around. Erm, I'm not living for the ring ladies. If it doesn't come around I'll still be living a sassy, exotic life! --- Oooh, and meet the desperate housewife who likes to send me photos with strategic shots of her husband's hairy arms and legs!!! (true story!). The idea behind doing this is to trigger some nerve in me. It only triggers serious concerns for her psychological health. Must I go on to nauseate you?
Besides playing dodge, I have also learned the types of shady characters to avoid --- the 'self-proclaimed eligible' bachelors that is. The majority of buffoons are those hanging by the delicate thread called 'visa' and wish to tie the knot with my US passport instead of my awesome self! Instead of over-focusing time and money on that wall we share with Mexico, Mr. President should hunt out these matrimonial aunties who have organized portfolios of immigrants who have passed their visa tenures, have no legal resident status, or are carrying fake academic degrees to trap vulnerable citizen ladies. There are certain checks and balances that I have figured out to decode the fake. 
Also, from the horror stories I have seen, I have learned that you don't marry JUST the man but you marry the family as well. You get a monster-in-law instead of a mother-in-law you are dead! You land into a greedy family, your happy days are over. You tie the knot with people who are different in culture, values, faith, and tradition - you are in for an existential crisis. So, I have learned not to compromise standards and criteria. 

Another thing! I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of Disney fairytales, I live like the madness of Captain Jack Sparrow, I am a Gryffindor at heart, and a Middle-Earthling as well! With this package, I cannot settle for a commercial marriage contract. Mr. Abbie needs to do justice to this package, otherwise --- Keep the ring and let freedom riiiiiiiiinggggggggggggggggg! 


  1. oh those 'matrimonial aunties', they sound horrible but people do use their services.

    if only one's perfect partner just shows up without us doing too much, let's just hope no one have to have monster-in-laws, they sound scarier than pirates

    have a lovely day.

    my latest a-z is: newbie vs. pro

    1. Hey Lissa,
      Yes, people do use the 'matrimonial aunties' - guilty pleasure at times. And the perfect partner is in for a kick in the rear if he shows up!

  2. As a married woman (although it took ages for me too - and it was not inevitable I must add), I NEVER broach the topic of marriage with my single friends, because I know how sucky it can be. Not the being married part, but being made to feel like your life has to stop because you aren't. I'm sure you've already ready about my ~marriage story~ so I will not relive that horrific experience again, but WHAT at "desperate housewife who likes to send me photos with strategic shots of her husband's hairy arms and legs!" Ay caramba! I must disagree with you slightly on one point, my friend, you marry a family only if the family is as "Desi" as you are. You can take that in many ways. But my husband is very different from his family. It's why I hesitated in the beginning, because my family is HYDROOOO to the max. And even though, there was a learning curve, my husband sees Islam almost like a convert. It's been helpful for me to expand my practice and understanding of this dynamic religion. I won't wish you a "hope you find someone soon" because it's disingenuous. But know that you are still amazing whether you have a Mr. Abbie or not. But girl, if you're desperate like I was, have you tried LOL

    1. Ah yes! I know your fairytale! And like you had a cake and cows wedding cake, I want my Gryffindor/Hobbit style hybrid cake! Mr Rafia was willing to reset and develop a new understanding of life. Most of the people I have come across, unfortunately, are unwilling to think outside ethnic stereotypes. Some cultures want the daughter in law / wife to make fresh parathaas early morning before the break of dawn! And all that everyday like a mandatory routine when a frozen paratha is readily available in stores. One can easily choose comfort over such slavery. And this is just a mundane level example.
      Desperate is certainly not the word for me. I will age gracefully into the days of silver hair and faulty knees and still keep one eye open (the one that went through laser cataract surgery and sees clear). HoD is no different, I have come across immigrants dying to get the passport and they couldn't even bring themselves to speak English. Someone said it was an Islamically inclined place to search. Well, some folks wrote ill about Hijabi ladies in their profiles and there are no checks! Not really reliable.

    2. Perhaps desperate was an exaggeration. I am prone to hyperbole, I apologize. I understand your concerns with HOD though. Even Mr. Rafia himself was on it for a while and found no one worthy (LOL, another exaggeration) until I waded through profiles and found his. He didn't even come up as one of my top matches. I did some mad searching that day.


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