M - Marriage, Manhunt & Lessons Learned

There is this conspiracy about finding a Mr Abbie - a supposed-to-be life partner for me. The idea is as crazy as the feat of trying to transplant a human head onto a new body. They haven't been able to do that just yet. It will be a legendary day in history; the world shall remember it as 'The Day They Found Mr Abbie', when a male equivalent of me will be discovered! Until then ... the manhunt is on!

In my community (South Asians) a woman of 31 is a bird that's been flying solo for too long. And, every element of the sociosphere becomes 'dishonestly' interested in trying to make it hit an iceberg before the ship has sailed too far! 

The biggest lesson I have learned so far, as the manhunt continues, is to keep standing with courage as insane as Captain Jack Sparrow! There's a precise time when the absolute best of things comes around and this is Mr Abbie we are speaking of. Until then, some wise strategies need to be executed to survive!

I have to dodge the creepy matrimonial aunties that chase me as soon as they smell 'Single'. They carry resumes and profiles of eligible bachelors they think are as good as Johnny Depp! --- I find myself warding off the sadist demon who likes to ask if my mother is unwell because I am 'ageing and still single' (my mother has a herniated disc for God's sake, you imbecile!)! --- There are nut women from sinister sororities who like to cook stories about hopeless singles and their suicidal lives when I am around. Erm, I'm not living for the ring ladies. If it doesn't come around I'll still be living a sassy, exotic life! --- Oooh, and meet the desperate housewife who likes to send me photos with strategic shots of her husband's hairy arms and legs!!! (true story!). The idea behind doing this is to trigger some nerve in me. It only triggers serious concerns for her psychological health. Must I go on to nauseate you?

Besides playing dodge, I have also learned the types of shady characters to avoid --- the 'self-proclaimed eligible' bachelors that is. The majority of buffoons are those hanging by the delicate thread called 'visa' and wish to tie the knot with my US passport instead of my awesome self! Instead of over-focusing time and money on that wall we share with Mexico, Mr. President should hunt out these matrimonial aunties who have organized portfolios of immigrants who have passed their visa tenures, have no legal resident status, or are carrying fake academic degrees to trap vulnerable citizen ladies. There are certain checks and balances that I have figured out to decode the fake. 

Also, from the horror stories I have seen, I have learned that you don't marry JUST the man but you marry the family as well. You get a monster-in-law instead of a mother-in-law you are dead! You land into a greedy family, your happy days are over. You tie the knot with people who are different in culture, values, faith, and tradition - you are in for an existential crisis. So, I have learned not to compromise standards and criteria. 

Another thing! I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in the magic of Disney fairytales, I live like the madness of Captain Jack Sparrow, I am a Gryffindor at heart, and a Middle-Earthling as well! With this package, I cannot settle for a commercial marriage contract. Mr. Abbie needs to do justice to this package, otherwise --- Keep the ring and let freedom riiiiiiiiinggggggggggggggggg!