Five Insane Things My Married Friends Say And Do

Almost all my friends are married and I am still a striking hot member of the Single Ladies Club. I have seen peculiar behaviors evolve in some of them. They have all, at different points in time, made me question the authenticity of marriage being a "happily ever after", married life being an amazingly happy thing, and a husband being a reasonable human being to live with.

1. MEMBERSHIP TO THE MARRIED MADAMS CLUB

From the second the news of their "Baat Pakki" [fond Desi term invented to announce the commitment and add to the events list] they undergo some sort of personality makeover as if I have lost them to another dimension of existence. There are the typical signs that announce them crossing over into the black hole beyond which I will not be entertained.

1. Their necks straighten up, chins slightly higher
2. Their postures change to mimic the Maria B. bridal show models
3. Their Facebook Statues changes instantaneously to "Engaged" or "In A Relationship"
4. A photo of hands dyed with henna designs, wrapped in flowers becomes their avatar. 
5. They go into a mode where all their replies to my questions are "Yar, Shadi ki prep mein busy hoon." [I am busy in wedding preparations].
6. Finally, they will stop interacting with you on any level of social media because they do not associate with your "kind" anymore.

2. DON'T KNOW WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE

Once the knot is tied - no actually - starting from that very photography session on their wedding day where they pose Titanic arms-stretched-out poses in front of an alien photographer, they do not know where to draw the line. Personal intimacy is bound to show up in my Facebook news feed and on the Whats App avatars. I have seen Titanic poses [thankfully not the nudes, but the OMG! I'm flying pose], Mughl-e-Azam Poses, and Prince Saleem and Anarkali Poses. They make me want to question how one can summon the guts to pose in front of a stranger. Plus, I would seriously think about what explanation would they give their children of the 2020 generation that what on earth made them do this?

3. MARRIAGE MYSTERIES
Okay, they are totally part of a royal family now [or so they think] so they go full Aishwariya Rai/Kate Middleton private on me as if I am a papparazzi. Almost ALL of them have given me some pretty vague answers to my casual chit chats after marriage. Here are some samples:

There are those who make marriage seem like a life sentence at a sucky prison
ME: How's married life going?
THEM: Bus yar, jo enjoyment hum ay karni thi single life mein kar li
[whatever enjoyment we had to do we did it in our single life]/
ME: Esay kyun bol rahi ho?
[Why're you saying so?]
THEM: Bus yar, responsibilities hain. Woh bat nahi hai pehlay wali carefree.
[There are responsibilities, it isn't the same as the old carefree].

MY CONCLUSION: You're regretting it! OR you're having an amazing time and you don't want to tell the single people who might inflict an evil eye on you.

There are those who are super secretive about their mystery men
ME: What does your husband do aye? Where does he work?
THEM: Private job hai.
ME: Where?
THEM: Private company hai ek.
ME: Yes, but what's his profession, what does he do?
THEM: Woh sahi pata nahi, kuch private company mein hai
[I don't know for sure, it is some private company]

MY CONCLUSION: He's a vigilante by night who wears a green hood and shoots arrows. Perfect!

4. RISHTA (PROPOSAL) POLICE

The ones who take on the "I am a married socialite now" mode offer their unneeded assistance in hunting for a suitable husband for me. They tell me they'd spread the word! In every nook and crevice of the land. Of what? That I am hopelessly single and my date may expire if someone doesn't rush to rid me of my misery. I get all kinds of Pulitzer prize winner statements like "the biological clock is ticking", "larkiyaan palak jhapaktay boorhee hojati hain" [girls age in a blink of an eye], and the like. Why is my personal biological clock a Hellfire missile to you, darlings? Why are you always ready to throw flowers at me as I walk down each normal aisle NOT GETTING MARRIED?

5. ADVERTISE THEIR HUSBANDS A BIT TOO MUCH

I wake up each morning to find at least one cheesy husband photo on my Facebook News Feed. And there was one fine woman who made it a habit to send me a "part" of her husband every single day. She would go out to lunch and send me food photos with her husband's trunk in the background. She would go out to dinner and would send me a food plate photo with hairy arms on either side. And she would send casual photos from her home life with either her husband's foot or his ass in the background. It did not just get in the way, it was meant to be there. I thought I was imagining her motive but my thought was seconded by my sister who came across one of the "eye bleed" quality zooms of her husband's hairy arms. The woman was definitely trying too hard to make it obvious that she had a man in her life. 

The stories do not end here. I have a strong feeling that this post might have a Part 2 in the making. Until then, have Chai and take it easy.