Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Growth Of Me

As a disturbed teen (typical, with voices in my head) I always used to think that I will forever reside in the labyrinth of thoughts in my head - never growing as a human being. Well, I grew and the labyrinth changed. The thoughts may still be a jumble, and the voices in my head still continue to chide, but I learned to grow out of a lot of things. These things being: insecurities, toxic relationships, grief of defeats, and so on. Growth was necessary because we will run out of life eventually. There are God's blessings to be enjoyed and that which we did not get is to be let go.

Physical Growth
I came out of my Fat Suit (as I call it); shedding approximately 20 kilos of weight, and began to love my body. I gained a couple of kilos back but remained the same strikingly beautiful self (and continue to be). In my mind; however, the Fat Suit psyche got stuck. I forced myself to grow out of that. It is allowed to have curves and be on the chubby spectrum as long as the BMI stays normal and I keep fitting size 14-16. Growing out of the Fat Suit psyche is not easy because the feeling of being fat and humiliated by the non-fat clan is like a permanent stain. I super cleaned it using serious self-esteem and self-counseling formulas. I also talked to myself about turning from teen to the twenties and then the late twenties. Of course, the body is to gain built and more structure as it transitions from girl to woman. My mind understood, but my heart needed growing up. 

Emotional Growth
Raging emotions make teenage and early twenties a roller coaster ride. F.Y.I. I got on board without seat belts. So, my share of the deal was quite harsh. November-borns are super impulsive, wild-at-heart, raging storms as is. So, there I was riding a hurricane. I found myself tossing my heart to those who least deserved it, I raged at the slightest of things that attacked me, and in the exaggerated emotional state I ended up hurting myself emotionally and physically. No! I wasn't cutting or drinking or abusing - that's for sore losers. I was fighting but with a very weak emotional front. Being physically hurt refers to the health issues I landed myself into because of the high-stress, high-anxiety lifestyle. 
Emotional growth happened as years passed. I guess each fierce sword has to fight many battles to win a crown of glory. I was the same. The missing element was emotional intelligence - a shield - and self-esteem - an armor. I found those as I grew. They came to me like blessings. I am no pro even to this day, but I know where to draw the line now before something or someone gets to my heart and succeeds in lashing it. Irrational, impulsive emotions just obscure practical reality. And when that happens, hearts break. It is irrational to wander in dreams and get lost. But it is important to continue dreaming. 

Social Growth
It is not impossible to change the world (by world I mean the little sphere of your personal existence and not all the continents). I was a misanthrope. Period. And I was not to blame because the creed of human that crossed my path was pretty cruel. I was the fat girl who was called the 'cornerstone of the class' - yes, one of my class teachers said that when she described me. 'She is not presentable', said an overweight teacher who was casting people for a talent show, to my mother. 'She is so fat, who would marry her?' said a lady relative to my mother at a relative's wedding. The world can imagine why I started hating human kind. Other fat girls performed the same talent show I was not presentable for, other 'nobodys' enjoyed the limelight in the same class that I was the cornerstone of. And the relative whose wedding it was, married a fat woman just because she had a foreign citizenship that he wanted. I really didn't understand the double standards, I just hated with an open heart. 
The decision to grow socially came as soon as I lost weight. Fast forward 3 years from being called a cornerstone, and I was hosting a talent show / rock concert at a grand stage of a big university. That's growth. "Let me hear some noise!" I announced, and more than 500 people cheered back and applauded that night in response to a rocking MC. I reached out and made friends - specially with people who were going through the same dark times like myself. I never forgot that people only reach out to you if you are presentable and being presentable does not count fat or not fat - it counts guts.

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